Mitch was a mess. His girlfriend of two years broke up with him a few days after he proposed to her. He was clueless that his proposal didn’t have a fighting chance. Why did he think proposing marriage was timely while she had one foot out the door?

By the time he asked her, she was fuming after having just finished up her silent series of relationship tests that lasted several months, which were unknown to him but which would prove his everlasting love to her. All of which he failed, of course.

I think it’s mostly a girl thing to give tests for boyfriends to pass. I’m guilty of it myself. But that was when I was young and foresaw an endless string of boyfriends to torment. Now, I am mature and have been home-schooled in “Advanced Relationship Communication” by my live-in boyfriends who were more likely to torment me if I wasn’t clear about what I wanted. So my relationships now are all smooth going without misunderstanding or communication breakdown. I wish.

I believe all relationships need us to supervise them. While two people are getting to know each other, a bigger picture is being painted called “the relationship.” I think it is a good idea to get together, step back and make sure you both see the same image of the relationship. Really, I believe supervision ought to be mandatory for every relationship, at all times, and called the “Huong Phat.”

Some people are intimidated by the Huong Phat concept. You mean I have to make a special time to talk about my relationship when nothing is specifically wrong?!? Exactly.

The Huong Phat is a safe zone. Here you focus on the relationship and say what’s on your mind. We all get caught up in the mundane events of daily life and tend to talk about those trivial matters rather than our feelings, because it’s easier. But who doesn’t have sensitive issues that you really wish were easier to talk about with your partner? Scheduled talks can resolve relationship tension.

For one thing, you don’t have to stress out about finding the right time to bring up something important. You know you’ll have the chance to talk about these matters later, and so you can let them go now and relax. It also gives you time to prepare the kindest way to say something that has been upsetting you, so your partner can hear it without becoming defensive, and you will get the outcome you want. Frustration and anger make us blurt nasty things to our partner because we had been holding back feelings about something else for too long. It feels pretty amazing when there is a happy resolution to a sensitive topic and all because you approached it in a relaxed way and carefully chose your words.

But the Huong Phat is much more than a bitching session. Again, this is the safe zone — where you have your partner’s attention and respect. A lot of people find it difficult to express intimate thoughts. Here, you can feel safe to reveal your private feelings. It’s a good time to talk about sex and your future together. Ask unresolved questions. Anything goes.

Before you end your Huong Phat, you both should agree that you had the chance to say what you wanted. If not, keep talking … at that time or another. Don’t be afraid to get clear about your partner’s needs. It is not about criticizing; it is about respecting and nurturing the relationship. You want the chance to fix it before it breaks beyond repair. If you don’t care, then why stay together? Time is precious.

If the Huong Phat was mandatory then couples would consistently talk to each other about things that matter. A husband would not be surprised to hear one morning from his wife of fifteen years that for a long time now she has not wanted to kiss him and she wants a divorce. Lovers will both know to expect the occasional booty call and think nothing more of their casual fling. And, Mitch would not have proposed. He would have had all the information he needed to see that his relationship was on the rocks.

As for the name “Huong Phat,” I made it up. Under pressure, I took some words off a plaque at a Vietnamese Restaurant in San Francisco while trying to convince my new boyfriend why it’s a good idea to have “check-in” talks. He agreed in concept but didn’t like what I was calling it. Looking up, I saw an important-looking phrase engraved on a plaque and proposed a new name. Thankfully, it stuck.

Thankfully … and not without learning important lessons.

More stability to come in following weeks.
L.

More apologies for the trouble accessing the website. We are working to move the site to a new server.
Thanks for your patience because we are feeling pretty impatient about it ourselves …

Lynne

To all of our frustrated members & visitors,

Our deepest apologies for the troubles with the site (such as short time-out periods and the broken music link/Rhapsody search). We are grateful for your patience and hope you can bear with us while we try to get things back on track.

We realize we need to jump to a new and less buggy platform to prevent these absurd interruptions to the service.

We will update the blog when the bugs are freed.

Thanks,

Lynne

MOD (music online dating) is the pet name for the widget that holds our Music Personality Quiz. If you are a music blogger or music-related site owner, take it. Become a member of the “Bad-Date Repellent Consortium.”

What if … bad-date repellent does exist and the brand name is “music?”

What if … music can predict compatibility and help us find the right long-term relationship?

We believe it does and it can. We hope you will, too.

We believe the secret to finding meaningful relationships begins with music. A Sound Match was created to match like-minded music lovers, for love or friendship. The first step is taking the Music Personality Quiz, now available in bite-sized MOD.

Add the widget if you want to:

1. Offer your music lovers a fun quiz that reveals Music Personality (whether or not they’re single).
2. Help match your single music lovers with like-minded others around the web.

Either way, we will be thrilled if you join our mission to create a world full of happy, respectful, loving relationships. Or … to save friends from bad dates.

If music is important to you, become part of The Consortium and spread the wealth. We all want love. It’s all free.

It’s easy to add the widget to your page. If you want it, send Lynne an email. She’ll tell you where to grab the link.

Tags: Music Social Networking
ASM Odyssey
Online Dating
Relationships
A Sound Match
Music Online Dating
Startups
Music Widget

This morning, I was talking on the phone with a friend about the new music he liked. Within seconds, I started playing the full length albums on his list. I love this!

If one of your great joys is discovering new music, playing old favorites or making mixes for friends, check out Rhapsody. Each time I use it, I feel like I walked into Amoeba (record store) with a gift certificate in the amount of “carte blanche.”

For free, you can listen to 25 tracks/month. When you want to hear more (and it’s likely you will), get a subscription for $10/month.* A small popup web player is all you need to listen.

Here are artists & albums that have caught my ear lately. Play the music for free. Check out what Rhapsody has to offer.

By the way, Rhapsody is the music engine for A Sound Match. Insert your own “live” playlists to your profile and emails.

Lynne’s 10 Blog Songs (click to play or download the web player)

[You can play one, stop the player, and move on to search for your own tracks to play for free on rhapsody.com]

Jose Gonzalez-Slow Moves
Pinback-Seville (demo)
Pop Levi-(A style called) Crying Chic
Rodrigo y Gabriela-Diablo Rojo
The Avett Bros-Matrimony
The Features-Walk You Home
The Shins-Sea Legs
Elbow-Leaders of the Free World
Gotan Project-Mi Confesion
Cal Tjader(Verve Remixed)-Los Banditos

*[Note: Get it now to lock in $10. Sadly, the fee increases to $12.99/mo as of June 1. It's Mac + PC-friendly. For a bit more, you can also put the music on your mp3 player and take it with you anywhere.]

Dating is rarely straightforward.  To stay sane, I have developed strategies to help guide me through the confusion and frustration.

Business should be straightforward. But it’s not. Often, I find myself tackling the same issues. Is it too soon to call? What did he mean by that? It’s been weeks, does this mean he’s not that into me?

I wondered. What if I applied my personal rules of dating to uncomfortable business situations?

One golden rule of dating: The beginning of a relationship should feel mutual and effortless.

Even the best relationships have their challenges. No need to start early. It may be time to let go after a few dates if something doesn’t feel quite right. Even if the dates are thrilling. So far, this rule has well served me. Why not apply this rule to new business relationships?

I was recently introduced to a business contact who was described as “the one” to help A Sound Match move forward. I was intrigued and eager to connect. It took effort to get him on the phone, but we had a great call. He said he was interested and wanted to meet me. Only, it took weeks to reach him again to set up a meeting during the few days I was traveling in his area. Did I imagine his interest? At last, we arranged to meet with only a few hours to spare before my flight left town. Before we met, I felt skeptical about whether this guy was for me.

But … the meeting was great! We spent three hours together. I liked his ideas and energy. His enthusiasm for my business was clear. Working with him could be the very thing I needed. I was ready to get down to business and willing to overlook my initial skepticism. I felt thrilled.

Only, we met several weeks ago and I haven’t heard from him since. I emailed once and waited. It was tempting to reach out again. But, experience told me to step back to see if he liked me as much as I liked him. Guess he’s just not that into me. With little invested, the pain of withdrawal is minimal. Rather than get tangled in a new relationship that was already showing signs of pending confusion and frustration, it feels right to move on and find another relationship that feels mutual and effortless. No hard feelings.

Some people hate to date because of the rejection. I think it’s a gift. Over and over, the experience guides me through other important life decisions. Wouldn’t trade it for a thing.

I have wanted to write about the insanity and thrill of creating a small empire — a happy realm in which music helps people find healthy, meaningful relationships, among other things.

But, until the drug companies release the product for cloning and budding more body parts, I am forced to create the simplest methods to get stuff done.  

Enter the Sucky/Lucky List.

I wouldn’t think to mention it. But, a bunch of friends think it’s funny and they’ve also encouraged me to share the wealth. So, here.

It’s a sheet of paper with 2 columns, one entitled “Sucky,” the other “Lucky.” Complex, I know. Each week, I record the significant experiences – both sucky and lucky – that result from trying to move forward the business, the web service, and my life.

What pushed me to create this particular list?  Because, I was letting my sucky experiences overshadow the lucky ones – which is clearly not conducive to forging ahead as a new business. There have been times when a sucky experience has knocked the wind out of my sails so hard that I felt temporarily paralyzed and unable to trust my next steps.

I needed inspiration, something at hand to remind me that I am making progress, that I do have support and that I am reaching my milestones. Beyond my expectation, this list delivered even more.

Without exception, every single week (going on 17 weeks now), the LUCKY list outnumbers and outweighs the SUCKY list. And, I bet the same thing would happen for you.

This list forces me to see that the choice is mine when it comes to letting the sucky have more power over the lucky. This list forces me to see and feel proud of the progress I have made, no matter where it takes me tomorrow. The list puts the wind back into my sails.

And, the Sucky/Lucky List offers the perfect solution for quickly memorializing the evolution of A Sound Match … or for any life experience to remember.

Maybe it’s time to change the title and start calling it what it is:

The Lucky List.

Tags: Music Social Networking ASM Odyssey Online Dating Relationships
Romance
A Sound Match Music Online Dating Startups

Yesterday, I won the first round of an elevator pitch contest at StartupNation – a national radio show and online business that serves startup businesses with information, community and support.

What an eye opener.

There’s not much difference between entering a contest of skill or the world of dating. Either way, you put your ego on the line, present your best self in a limited amount of time and learn not to take anything personally.

I didn’t wake up one morning proclaiming that I wanted to be an Internet entrepreneur. Maybe if I had, and the right someone special was there to hear it, he’d have knocked some sense into me … and life would be calmer these days.

I felt driven to create a service that would allow me to match compatible people using music as the filter. Eventually, it became my startup business called A Sound Match.

The business has been a labor of love for a while now. And, I wouldn’t have it any other way. The online dating service is launched, members can play music while browsing profiles and I’ve got a great cast of advisors. Knowing what to do, when to do it and how it’ll get done changes from day to day.

Bottom line is, I am still a one-woman show. I need help promoting and developing the service.

Launching a startup is exciting and draining. Just like dating. It can also be demoralizing and make you feel more alone in the world. Just like dating.

But, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, right? (Wayne Gretsky)

Five contestants were asked to go on the air and give a one-minute elevator pitch as though he or she was speaking to a potential investor. After hearing the pitch, the “entrepreneurial expert” radio hosts would critique it. Then, the online community would vote for it. Or not.

The upside was getting valuable business advice so that I could confidently approach angel investors. This became more important than avoiding a bruised ego if my pitch got slammed. So I agreed to compete (with only a day to prepare).

But, then the online voting got unexpectedly competitive. With only two days left to vote, I felt compelled to campaign hard and ask for votes or I’d lose the contest.

This is when my world opened. Family, friends, friends-of-friends, business acquaintances, and others still unknown to me all took the time to hear the pitch and cast a vote.

I am touched by their vote of confidence. Suddenly, I don’t feel so alone. Suddenly, I have a renewed sense of enthusiasm, motivation and inspiration to forge ahead.

If we don’t put ourselves out there, if we don’t pitch ourselves to a potential date, community or investor, we can never win the prize.

I have to move on to the final round, but as far as I’m concerned, I’ve already won big.

Tags: Music Social Networking ASM Odyssey Online Dating Relationships Romance
A Sound Match Music Online Dating Startups

(What NOT to say after meeting at a speed-dating event)

I finally got myself to a speed dating event last week and had a blast. I met thirteen men and had four minutes to decide if I would mark them as a “yes” on my scorecard.

Let’s be clear. Four minutes is only time enough to consider whether, at a future occasion, you’d jump the bones of your interviewee. It is not enough time to determine your compatibility.

Fortunately I had my secret decoder at hand. I knew if I got my date talking about his interest in music, I’d have the information I needed to score him a “yes” or a “no.” My plan worked beautifully.

I said yes to six of the thirteen men and they all said yes to me. (You learn this online at the company’s website a day later.) I thought I might be compatible with these men because each one had indicated that music was important to him (plus, I thought they were all cute). They must’ve appreciated my approach, because right away I heard from three of them.

Having already resolved two important pieces of the dating puzzle, that there’s chemistry and that we were a sound match, next up was to learn the basic lifestyle preferences of my potential dates (easily obtained by reading the person’s online profile).

Oh well. One down. The guy I felt had the most promise (he worked in the music business) clearly wrote in his profile that kids weren’t part of his life agenda. Since I’m 40, I would like to keep the possibility open until I’m sure whether or not kids will become part of my life. So, I replied to his email and told him my thoughts. And, I suggested we explore friendship because it seemed like we had a lot of similar interests. His response?

Sure, he’s interested in exploring friendship because he has, like, two female friends. And, he wanted to make sure I knew that “If you’re gonna breed, you’d better do so soon because I’ve heard it becomes more dangerous to do so after the age of 40 (for women that is)!”

Gee, thanks for the tip. That solves the mystery surrounding why he only has two girl friends. Poor thing.

I’m still deciding how I’ll respond to his message. This kind of social ineptitude is hard to detect in four minutes, so thankfully there’s online follow up. Clearly, he’s big on opinion and deficient in social communication skills. He’s the perfect target audience for my intention to help people learn “how to say it.”

Since contrast is important, I thought knowing what NOT to say could benefit those social geeks out there. You know who you are. If you need help having a normal conversation with a woman, write a comment, pose a question and I’ll help you approach your conversation or email so that you don’t immediately annihilate your chance of ever getting a date…

Tags: Music Social Networking Online Dating Relationships Romance
A Sound Match Music Online Dating ASM Odyssey Dating Stories Dating Advice
Speed Dating