This blog has moved to http://asoundmatch.com/blog

Please visit the new blog location to learn more about:

• How our relationship to music predicts our relationship to each other.
• Music Personality
• Music dating
• Dating Advice: “How to Say It” – How to start difficult conversations relating to dating and relationships

Thanks for visiting!

~ Lynne

Can Music Personality Predict Compatibility?

If you haven’t noticed, you get along better with people who like music the same amount as you.

In my world, Music Personality defines how much you like music – not what you listen to.

Take the quiz and learn your Music Personality (at A Sound Match). Four groups exist. Are you a Diamond in the Rough, Heart of Gold, Shining Star, or Unchained Melody?

So maybe the Music Personality monikers sound fluffy and meaningless. But their underlying meaning packs a punch.

The Music Personality & Compatibility System

Anywhere a person lands on the music spectrum is perfect and not important to finding a match.   What makes all the difference is where we land in relationship to others.  We want to meet people who land closest to us on the spectrum because we will have similarities that matter most for our relationships to succeed.

Diamonds in the Rough are passionate about music. They can be described by the following traits and social behaviors:

• Unconventional, resist the mainstream
• Non-conforming, more apt to take social risk
• Open to new experience, explore social unknowns
• Choose life off the beaten path, edgy

You will see less of these traits, the less a person cares for music. When you meet Unchained Melodies, who are apathetic about music (but believe otherwise), you see differences in personality between them and Diamonds in the Rough. This is how they are different…

An Unchained Melody has a hard time understanding the social, lifestyle and intellectual needs of a Diamond in the Rough.

An Unchained Melody might think that vacationing on a large cruise ship to the Caribbean is exciting and relaxing but that renting a cabina in a remote town of Costa Rica is dangerous and not worth the trek. Or, he might believe that condo living with new carpeting and square walls is sleek and comfortable but not see any charm to living in an old Victorian with slanted hardwood floors, a split bathroom and 10’ high ceilings with intricate moldings. And, Unchained Melodies might choose bestselling fiction and never wish to get past the first ten pages of a Tom Robbins book that requires suspension of disbelief, intense concentration, plus a big dose of patience for character development (all his books are worth it).

Music tells us with whom we can travel, live in housing we like, banter on the same intellectual level, discover the unknown, and more. Doesn’t it make sense that we can also use it as the readily available and effective filter to help us find the right person?

We all listen to music and have a Music Personality. Our interest in music tells the truth about us.

Take the quiz now.

When to Pull the Plug?

The Realtionship Issue:  How long do you stay in a new relationship before pulling the plug?

Almost worse than being in a bad relationship is being in an okay relationship that’s enjoyable-enough but deep down you know this person is not the love of your life.   How long do you give it before admitting that this is as good as it gets?

David has been waiting eight months for his girlfriend to show him that she adores him and wants to live the life of romance he envisions.  He is over 40 and excited to find his life partner.  Because she is Asian and he is not, she explains that her cultural upbringing affects how she displays affection and generally deals with her relationships.  David is a considerate and compassionate guy, and he likes this girl, and so is willing to learn how to manage the cultural differences.  But, it’s taking a long time. On top of it, the financial crisis has put much stress on her work life, so he wants to demonstrate his patience (one of his finer traits) and not rock the boat too hard by demanding that she let him know now what she wants from their relationship.

My response:  What are you waiting for? 

On the one hand, you are a king for exercising kindness, patience and consideration.  This makes you a real catch in the eyes of many women.  I say free yourself to find one of those women rather than wait any longer for your girlfriend to come around into seeing your gifts.  After eight months together, she knows if she is or isn’t in love with you.  Love overlooks cultural differences.   What should be your most important consideration is whether you feel happy in your relationship.  And, you don’t sound happy about this one.

Clearly, she likes being with you, evidenced by dating you exclusively for the past eight months.  But I see that it’s one of two issues for her and neither is pretty.  Either, she is not self-aware enough to know her true feelings for you and whether her cultural upbringing is or isn’t impacting them.  Or, she is afraid to hurt your feelings, to let you down … to fail after all this time of trying.

Really, we know pretty quickly if we see long-term relationship potential with someone new. But after being single for a while, we like the idea of finally being in a relationship.  And, if it’s not awful then maybe there will be greatness to it … somewhere down the road?  Nope.  I am convinced that, at the beginning, you should be hitting green lights down the relationship road.  The occasional yellow is important so you two can catch a breather, get perspective on where you are headed, and then move forward if it feels good.  But, often stopping the journey at the beginning to work through a bunch of red flags is never a good sign for a lasting relationship.  In fact, I would say this is the biggest clue we get telling us to let go.

During our conversation, David noticed a pattern in his relationships.  He said he usually finds himself waiting for his girlfriends to chart the course, to open up to his romanticism, to decide if they should be together for the long haul.  He recognized that he deserves the romantic relationship he wants and he should not wait for his girlfriends to decide whether or not they accept his terms.  Hopefully, he will honor his needs and won’t keep trying to fit the square pegs into the round hole.  You cannot expect people to change.  They rarely do.  However, you can expect and control your happiness.

I know it’s hard to let go when it feels pretty good now.  I fall victim to it, too.  But, do you really want to trade a life of passion and love for “pretty good?”  Do you want to look back and ask yourself why you wasted another eight months with the wrong person – when the clues were there from the beginning?  We need to become better students and learn from the School of Relationship Hard Knocks.  We need to remember that nothing is more important than that we feel good. What are we waiting for?

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This post was transcribed from a conversation with a client of IntimiDating, a new call-in service brought to you by A Sound Match. IntimiDating is on-the-spot problem solving of troubling relationship issues that require an instant ally to listen and offer solutions to help you feel relieved and confident about your next move. All calls are received by Lynne, the founder of A Sound Match. More more info email Lynne.

A visual to help understand your compatibility with others

Music Personality & Compatibility Spectrum

The image above illustrates A Sound Match’s compatibility system. You are more likely to be compatible with someone who lands near you on the spectrum.

After you take the quiz, your Music Personality is revealed on the website and inside our welcome email. Are you a Diamond in the Rough, Heart of Gold, Shining Star or Unchained Melody?

You have a high likelihood of getting along with people who belong to your Music Personality Group. And, if you land on the cusp of your Music Personality, you will also get along with people in an adjacent group. In fact, it’s possible that you could get along best with someone who lands in an adjacent group but who scores within a few points of you.

For instance, Diamonds in the Rough are most likely to be compatible with other Diamonds and least likely to be compatible with Unchained Melodies. Or, a Shining Star who lands on the left edge of her group also has a high likelihood of getting along with Unchained Melodies who land on the right edge of that group.

Because your score stays private, the easiest way to learn how compatible you are with another member is to:

1. Look up the person’s username on the Lookup page (under My Matches > Lookup Profile)
2. Look at your list of matches. The ones with the highest likelihood of compatibility show up first.

Take the quiz now. What’s your Music Personality?

My 5 Relationship Showstoppers

My boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago. The relationship was ten months old and I was in love. Although it felt like torture, I could not ignore that abrupt and sad moment when I realized the likelihood was slim that our relationship could survive.

How did I know the time had come? I reviewed the second clause in the contract I made with myself that governs my relationships. (I’ll explain the first clause in my next post.)

“You shall abide by your Five Relationship Showstoppers.”

Showstoppers are things you must have in your relationship to be happy in it. Showstoppers are important to you, because without them, the relationship feels difficult and unfulfilling. With them, the relationship feels effortless (even if it’s not).

My showstoppers:

Respect
Passion
Deep love
We bring out the best in each other
We can talk about anything at any time

The moment I notice one is missing, I take a closer look at my overall happiness in the relationship.

We each have our own list of things we need to be happy in our relationship. The crazy thing is … very few people consciously reveal these needs to themselves, never mind revealing them to their partners. Most people “wing it” and hope for the best. Sure, it’s possible. But, would you enter a business contract without first deciding what you want from the deal? That people take such enormous risk with their heart is a mystery to me. Why people stay in relationships that drain them of their precious resources, such as love, passion, integrity, etc, is inconceivable.

I admit that my rational self often leaves the room when the survival of my relationship is threatened. Based on three conversations about relationships I’ve had just this week, I know I am not alone here. When you love someone deeply, the last thing you want to do is leave them … even when you know the cost of being in the relationship outweighs the benefits you receive.

No one wants their relationships to end. Because most of us fear this, we come up with all sorts of reasons to turn a blind eye. But really, is it better to be in a difficult and uncomfortable relationship than it is to be single and hopeful that the love of your life is out there waiting to meet you? Not for me.

Showstoppers are about self-respect and holding to your integrity. The concept is a guideline that I created many years ago while I was single and visualizing my yet-to-be relationship. When I hold this fantasy relationship in my mind’s eye, it makes me feel happy and whole. I trust that it will guide me during those confusing times when my current relationship feels out of whack, when I become self-critical and wonder “is it me?”

Showstoppers force us to prioritize our needs.

When our partners are around us all the time, who doesn’t get irked by their idiosyncrasies? Bad moods can escalate minor issues. But you can put these matters into perspective, as long as you know your list of relationship priorities. If your husband suddenly starts smoking cigars at night and you can’t stand it, work it out or let it go if being with a non-smoker is not on the priority list.

Some of my friends don’t like the term “showstopper.” They feel the concept is too structured and not romantic enough, preferring to let love take them on a wild journey. They insist that no relationship is perfect and that by creating their list they might thwart a relationship, and they are not easy to come by! Exactly. No relationship is perfect or easy to come by.

But if we compromise our integrity just for the sake of staying in a relationship, it won’t last anyway. Maybe the term is a bit tough and too business-like. If you think so, then come up with your own phrase that means “my ingredients for a healthy relationship.”

Really, they are “angels of tough love.” Even though my heart and ego might fight to stay longer, my showstoppers force me to stay true to myself.

Yes, it sucks to break up. Who likes to cry for hours on end and suffer through the shock of realizing you are alone … again. But, how much time do we have for a partner who cannot meet our basic needs? It is no one’s fault.

Hold out for true love. It might take longer to find but the wait will be well worth it.

“Huong Phat” or “Why No Relationship Should Go Unsupervised”

Mitch was a mess. His girlfriend of two years broke up with him a few days after he proposed to her. He was clueless that his proposal didn’t have a fighting chance. Why did he think proposing marriage was timely while she had one foot out the door?

By the time he asked her, she was fuming after having just finished up her silent series of relationship tests that lasted several months, which were unknown to him but which would prove his everlasting love to her. All of which he failed, of course.

I think it’s mostly a girl thing to give tests for boyfriends to pass. I’m guilty of it myself. But that was when I was young and foresaw an endless string of boyfriends to torment. Now, I am mature and have been home-schooled in “Advanced Relationship Communication” by my live-in boyfriends who were more likely to torment me if I wasn’t clear about what I wanted. So my relationships now are all smooth going without misunderstanding or communication breakdown. I wish.

I believe all relationships need us to supervise them. While two people are getting to know each other, a bigger picture is being painted called “the relationship.” I think it is a good idea to get together, step back and make sure you both see the same image of the relationship. Really, I believe supervision ought to be mandatory for every relationship, at all times, and called the “Huong Phat.”

Some people are intimidated by the Huong Phat concept. You mean I have to make a special time to talk about my relationship when nothing is specifically wrong?!? Exactly.

The Huong Phat is a safe zone. Here you focus on the relationship and say what’s on your mind. We all get caught up in the mundane events of daily life and tend to talk about those trivial matters rather than our feelings, because it’s easier. But who doesn’t have sensitive issues that you really wish were easier to talk about with your partner? Scheduled talks can resolve relationship tension.

For one thing, you don’t have to stress out about finding the right time to bring up something important. You know you’ll have the chance to talk about these matters later, and so you can let them go now and relax. It also gives you time to prepare the kindest way to say something that has been upsetting you, so your partner can hear it without becoming defensive, and you will get the outcome you want. Frustration and anger make us blurt nasty things to our partner because we had been holding back feelings about something else for too long. It feels pretty amazing when there is a happy resolution to a sensitive topic and all because you approached it in a relaxed way and carefully chose your words.

But the Huong Phat is much more than a bitching session. Again, this is the safe zone — where you have your partner’s attention and respect. A lot of people find it difficult to express intimate thoughts. Here, you can feel safe to reveal your private feelings. It’s a good time to talk about sex and your future together. Ask unresolved questions. Anything goes.

Before you end your Huong Phat, you both should agree that you had the chance to say what you wanted. If not, keep talking … at that time or another. Don’t be afraid to get clear about your partner’s needs. It is not about criticizing; it is about respecting and nurturing the relationship. You want the chance to fix it before it breaks beyond repair. If you don’t care, then why stay together? Time is precious.

If the Huong Phat was mandatory then couples would consistently talk to each other about things that matter. A husband would not be surprised to hear one morning from his wife of fifteen years that for a long time now she has not wanted to kiss him and she wants a divorce. Lovers will both know to expect the occasional booty call and think nothing more of their casual fling. And, Mitch would not have proposed. He would have had all the information he needed to see that his relationship was on the rocks.

As for the name “Huong Phat,” I made it up. Under pressure, I took some words off a plaque at a Vietnamese Restaurant in San Francisco while trying to convince my new boyfriend why it’s a good idea to have “check-in” talks. He agreed in concept but didn’t like what I was calling it. Looking up, I saw an important-looking phrase engraved on a plaque and proposed a new name. Thankfully, it stuck.

He’s Just Not That Into You: Personal Rules of Dating as a Guide for Doing Business

Dating is rarely straightforward.  To stay sane, I have developed strategies to help guide me through the confusion and frustration.

Business should be straightforward. But it’s not. Often, I find myself tackling the same issues. Is it too soon to call? What did he mean by that? It’s been weeks, does this mean he’s not that into me?

I wondered. What if I applied my personal rules of dating to uncomfortable business situations?

One golden rule of dating: The beginning of a relationship should feel mutual and effortless.

Even the best relationships have their challenges. No need to start early. It may be time to let go after a few dates if something doesn’t feel quite right. Even if the dates are thrilling. So far, this rule has well served me. Why not apply this rule to new business relationships?

I was recently introduced to a business contact who was described as “the one” to help A Sound Match move forward. I was intrigued and eager to connect. It took effort to get him on the phone, but we had a great call. He said he was interested and wanted to meet me. Only, it took weeks to reach him again to set up a meeting during the few days I was traveling in his area. Did I imagine his interest? At last, we arranged to meet with only a few hours to spare before my flight left town. Before we met, I felt skeptical about whether this guy was for me.

But … the meeting was great! We spent three hours together. I liked his ideas and energy. His enthusiasm for my business was clear. Working with him could be the very thing I needed. I was ready to get down to business and willing to overlook my initial skepticism. I felt thrilled.

Only, we met several weeks ago and I haven’t heard from him since. I emailed once and waited. It was tempting to reach out again. But, experience told me to step back to see if he liked me as much as I liked him. Guess he’s just not that into me. With little invested, the pain of withdrawal is minimal. Rather than get tangled in a new relationship that was already showing signs of pending confusion and frustration, it feels right to move on and find another relationship that feels mutual and effortless. No hard feelings.

Some people hate to date because of the rejection. I think it’s a gift. Over and over, the experience guides me through other important life decisions. Wouldn’t trade it for a thing.

Pitching to Win. A contest or a date? Same thing.

 

Yesterday, I won the first round of an elevator pitch contest at StartupNation – a national radio show and online business that serves startup businesses with information, community and support.

What an eye opener.

There’s not much difference between entering a contest of skill or the world of dating. Either way, you put your ego on the line, present your best self in a limited amount of time and learn not to take anything personally.

I didn’t wake up one morning proclaiming that I wanted to be an Internet entrepreneur. Maybe if I had, and the right someone special was there to hear it, he’d have knocked some sense into me … and life would be calmer these days.

I felt driven to create a service that would allow me to match compatible people using music as the filter. Eventually, it became my startup business called A Sound Match.

The business has been a labor of love for a while now. And, I wouldn’t have it any other way. The online dating service is launched, members can play music while browsing profiles and I’ve got a great cast of advisors. Knowing what to do, when to do it and how it’ll get done changes from day to day.

Bottom line is, I am still a one-woman show. I need help promoting and developing the service.

Launching a startup is exciting and draining. Just like dating. It can also be demoralizing and make you feel more alone in the world. Just like dating.

But, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, right? (Wayne Gretsky)

Five contestants were asked to go on the air and give a one-minute elevator pitch as though he or she was speaking to a potential investor. After hearing the pitch, the “entrepreneurial expert” radio hosts would critique it. Then, the online community would vote for it. Or not.

The upside was getting valuable business advice so that I could confidently approach angel investors. This became more important than avoiding a bruised ego if my pitch got slammed. So I agreed to compete (with only a day to prepare).

But, then the online voting got unexpectedly competitive. With only two days left to vote, I felt compelled to campaign hard and ask for votes or I’d lose the contest.

This is when my world opened. Family, friends, friends-of-friends, business acquaintances, and others still unknown to me all took the time to hear the pitch and cast a vote.

I am touched by their vote of confidence. Suddenly, I don’t feel so alone. Suddenly, I have a renewed sense of enthusiasm, motivation and inspiration to forge ahead.

If we don’t put ourselves out there, if we don’t pitch ourselves to a potential date, community or investor, we can never win the prize.

I have to move on to the final round, but as far as I’m concerned, I’ve already won big.

Tags: Music Social Networking ASM Odyssey Online Dating Relationships Romance
A Sound Match Music Online Dating Startups

“What? You’re over 40 and want to breed?!?”

(What NOT to say after meeting at a speed-dating event)

I finally got myself to a speed dating event last week and had a blast. I met thirteen men and had four minutes to decide if I would mark them as a “yes” on my scorecard.

Let’s be clear. Four minutes is only time enough to consider whether, at a future occasion, you’d jump the bones of your interviewee. It is not enough time to determine your compatibility.

Fortunately I had my secret decoder at hand. I knew if I got my date talking about his interest in music, I’d have the information I needed to score him a “yes” or a “no.” My plan worked beautifully.

I said yes to six of the thirteen men and they all said yes to me. (You learn this online at the company’s website a day later.) I thought I might be compatible with these men because each one had indicated that music was important to him (plus, I thought they were all cute). They must’ve appreciated my approach, because right away I heard from three of them.

Having already resolved two important pieces of the dating puzzle, that there’s chemistry and that we were a sound match, next up was to learn the basic lifestyle preferences of my potential dates (easily obtained by reading the person’s online profile).

Oh well. One down. The guy I felt had the most promise (he worked in the music business) clearly wrote in his profile that kids weren’t part of his life agenda. Since I’m 40, I would like to keep the possibility open until I’m sure whether or not kids will become part of my life. So, I replied to his email and told him my thoughts. And, I suggested we explore friendship because it seemed like we had a lot of similar interests. His response?

Sure, he’s interested in exploring friendship because he has, like, two female friends. And, he wanted to make sure I knew that “If you’re gonna breed, you’d better do so soon because I’ve heard it becomes more dangerous to do so after the age of 40 (for women that is)!”

Gee, thanks for the tip. That solves the mystery surrounding why he only has two girl friends. Poor thing.

I’m still deciding how I’ll respond to his message. This kind of social ineptitude is hard to detect in four minutes, so thankfully there’s online follow up. Clearly, he’s big on opinion and deficient in social communication skills. He’s the perfect target audience for my intention to help people learn “how to say it.”

Since contrast is important, I thought knowing what NOT to say could benefit those social geeks out there. You know who you are. If you need help having a normal conversation with a woman, write a comment, pose a question and I’ll help you approach your conversation or email so that you don’t immediately annihilate your chance of ever getting a date…

Tags: Music Social Networking Online Dating Relationships Romance
A Sound Match Music Online Dating ASM Odyssey Dating Stories Dating Advice
Speed Dating

“The Date” That Pushed Me Into Epiphany

Years ago, a childhood friend of mine decided he wanted to fix me up with his doctor friends.

He called me a bunch of times always prepared with the hard sell of why I should date a particular colleague of his. After hearing all the vague stats like the car he drove, where he went to medical school and other fluff, I would inevitably ask about the guy’s taste in music. My friend’s inevitable response (spoken with irritation): “I don’t know. That’s not important. You can ask him when he calls you tonight. I already gave him your number.”

At the time, I believed that two people needed to know and like the same music to get along.  It helps, but I’ve learned there’s more to it than that.

When I first spoke with this doctor, it didn’t seem fair or polite to talk only about music with him (I’m not nearly as gracious now). So, I justified scheduling a date to get more information about his music sensibilities. And, since he came highly recommended, how bad could the date be?

This was the last time I let this friend or any others set me up with a “music unknown.”

Our one conversation had me believing that this man was fairly cool and interested in music, after briefly hearing about his affinity for 80’s rock bands (later to learn he meant Def Leppard and Bon Jovi, not The Jam or The Cure). I figured I’d let him fill in the rest of his music preferences during the walk in the park we’d planned to take. Only, I didn’t need the walk to get the picture. The moment we met and I walked into his apartment I got it.

Everything about this guy was slick, from the black lacquered furniture with gold beveled edges to his hair. I scanned the shimmery apartment and shaggy carpets hoping to spot anything resembling unique character. The apartment was decorated like bad corporate housing. I suspected I was doomed to an afternoon of boredom. My date didn’t let me down.

As the date continued, I probed him to talk more about music, but I guess we’d already covered that base. While I do remember his bad style, I can’t remember one interesting thing he said to me that day. His personality matched his taste in music. It was completely one-dimensional.

I excused myself from the date as fast as I could. I spent the entire drive home muttering to myself that I’d never again be set up by a friend, nor would I go on another date, without first getting (and paying attention to) the complete music picture.

As much as this date sucked, it caused my first epiphany confirming that music defines personality and should determine my dating decisions.

The day after this date, I started my research project, blandly titled for the next long while, “my music theory.”

Tags: Music Social Networking
Online Dating Relationships Romance
A Sound Match
Music Online Dating
ASM Odyssey
Dating Stories